Border Security
A Modest Proposal

I learned a lot reading The Great Wall by Julia Lovell. (Available at the Octavia Fellin Library.) Did you know that China began building walls along its northern border as early as 1000 BC? They built so many walls that I lost count. The most recent one, called "The Great Wall of China", dates to the 17th century. The point was to keep the northern "barbarians" out. But in every case the "barbarians" found a way around, over, or through the walls to conquer the country, depose the emperor and install their own man on the throne. As soon as a new dynasty was established, it began repairing, or building, a wall to keep its former neighbors out. This is an overly simple summary, but the point is that the walls may have provided some temporary protection, but ultimately failed.

There have been a lot of walls through history. For example, Hadrian's Wall was built in the second century; it divided England in half to keep raiding Scots out of Roman Britannia. Most walls were designed to keep unwanted people out, but the Berlin Wall was built in 1961 to keep the East Germans in -- behind the Iron Curtain.

Now the United States proposes to build a wall [fence] along the border with Mexico to prevent illegal immigration. We already have one fourteen-mile-long fence along the border south of San Diego. And as Dave Barry used to say, "I'm not making this up": the company that built it, Golden State Fence Company, has been fined nearly $5 million dollars because a third of their work force was illegal aliens. Maybe they only let them work on the south side of the fence.

The proposed fence along the Texas border will be 700 miles long and hardly a scenic wonder that would attract tourists like the one in China. The minimum cost estimate is $3 million per mile. Representative Steve King (R-Iowa) was quoted as saying "We can't afford not to spend the money." But remember what Senator Everitt Dirksen once said: "A billion here and a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money." That's my money, your money, our grandkids' money. Also consider this: There's an estimated 8 million illegal aliens in the US at this time. For the cost of the fence, we could pay them to go home. I keep thinking that one day some congressman will appear among the talking heads on TV to say, "Just kidding, folks. April fools!"

A geologist, Clay Slate, has proffered another proposal to secure our border. I learned that he was on his way to present his proposal to the Organization of Geologists and Geophysicists (OOGAG) and would be passing through Gallup. I caught up with him at Earl's Restaurant, where he had just been served a Navajo Taco.

"I suppose with a name like Clay Slate, you were destined to become a geologist."

"Nonsense," he replied. "Nominative determinism had nothing to do with it. I just like rocks. I suppose if my name was Phileas Fogg I should be a meteorologist." He referred, of course, to the Victorian gentleman in the Jules Verne novel who made the trip around the world in 80 days.

He was eating fast. It was time to get to the point. "I'd like to talk about your proposal to create a permanent barrier between the U.S. and Mexico."

"It's very simple," he said. "We perforate the border and let continental drift separate our two countries."

"How do you perforate the border?"

"Deep drilling, of course. One hole about every hundred feet should do it."

I'd done my homework on the internet.

"It's a long border, almost 2000 miles. That's a lot of holes."

"Yes, but I'm sure Halliburton would take the contract."

"It sounds like it would be more expensive than the fence they plan to put up."

"Fences fall down. My solution is permanent. Those Mexicans are overrunning our country. We can't afford to not spend the money."

"Do you really think that drilling holes would start a continental separation?"

"Watch," he responded. He grasped both ends of the fry bread on his plate and tugged. Nothing happened. "Now let's perforate it," he said. Picking up his fork he began stabbing a line across the center of the fry bread. "Now, if I pull on both ends…." He did so and the fry bread split rather suddenly on the perforated line. As it did, beans and chopped lettuce tumbled off the plate onto the table top. "There, you see? The wonders of perforation!" he announced. He looked down and shook food particles off the napkin in his lap.

I brushed aside a bean that had fallen on my side of the table and brought up more of the information I had found on the internet. "As I understand it, continental drift is only about a half inch per year. Your solution to the border problem would not be very immediate."

He paused to chew a bit of the taco. "Well, it might take a few nukes to get things moving. Then, if we aren't dragging Meso-America behind us, our continent might start moving faster. And it would be permanent."

"So you propose to create a rift…."

"Exactly. I call it 'the Cal-Tex Rift.' As the two sides separate, sea water would flow into the rift. As it widens and deepens it will create a channel that eventually sea traffic can traverse. We would no longer be dependent on the political climate of Panama to guarantee open shipping. All those outsourced products from China could be hauled directly to the east coast on the new maritime short cut. That would mean a lot less rail and truck traffic."

"We already have one rift in New Mexico – the Rio Grande Rift. It's the cause of most of our earthquakes, and there are volcanoes located along it. So as rifting takes place on your Cal-Tex Rift, wouldn't there be earthquakes and maybe volcanoes along it too?"

"Well, yes. Those are potential side effects."

"Pretty hefty side effects."

"Side effects don't sound so bad if you run through them quickly the way they do on TV." He gave a quick demonstration. "Side effects may include rhinitis, headaches, diarrhea, pregnancy, or death. Ask your doctor if eXitor is for you."

I tried to envision an inland waterway stretching from San Diego to the Gulf of Mexico. "I guess El Paso would become a sea port." He nodded as he chewed another bite of taco. I continued, "But wouldn't the new rift be likely to start the Rio Grande Rift spreading again?"

"Yes," he mumbled through his food. Swallowing, he continued. "That's another side effect. The sea port might eventually have to be moved north to Albuquerque." He looked up for a moment considering what would happen. "Actually, the port might be on Nine Mile Hill west of Albuquerque. You could stand there on the docks and gaze across the water to the Sandias. It would be a beautiful sight as the mountains turn red at sunset." He attacked his taco again. "And it would be the only ferry ride on I-40."

I was staggered by his vision. I imagined beaches where Belen once stood. Where would I-25 be rerouted? Would Carlsbad Caverns be flooded?

Then I had another thought. "Wouldn't the illegal immigrants just come across the rift on boats?"

"Most of those people can't afford boats. If they can, the Coast Guard would spot them."

He put down his knife and fork, picked up his napkin, and wiped his mouth. "Any more questions?"

I looked at the remaining half of his rifted Navajo taco. "Are you going to eat that?"

* * *

Just April foolin'.

P.S. The first four paragraphs are not part of the gag.